Party goody bags are the worst. We, the parents, should mobilize our vast army of mommy bloggers, parent tweeters, and Instagram influencers to put out the word that WE. ARE. DONE. giving out garbage at birthday parties.

There are so many reasons the convention of handing out bags full of parental nuisance should die a swift and final death.

It’s a waste of money. You may as well burn a $50 bill. At least you won’t be on the shit list of every parent whose child attended the birthday party. Any piece of junk a kid doesn’t manage to stick down a vent or jam in between couch cushions is going in the trash. 

It’s bad for the environment. Parents chuck it all as soon as the kids look away. The journey from kids’ hands to landfills is quick. I’m no environmental activist. I barely manage to recycle in my own home. But the amount of waste created by goody bag swag is enough to make even the most ardent climate change denier cringe.

I could go on, but I won’t because I have a toddler trying to climb on my lap and two other kids who are fighting (probably over plastic junk we already own) and frankly, we all know that goody bags suck.   

There are only two reasons I can think of why we engage in this frustratingly pervasive behavior: 1) you think other parents will judge you if you don’t; 2) you’re doing it because “let the kids be kids.”

1.) The other parents will not judge you. They will thank you. They will stand in awe of your willingness to buck party etiquette in the name of collective parental sanity and common sense. When my kids don’t get a goody bag, I’m elated that I don’t have to deal with the junk littering my floors and the guilt I feel for throwing it away. 

2.) Kids do love a loaded goody bag, but not much magic is lost without one. They just spent two hours running around with their friends and stuffing their faces with cake. That’s the real beauty of a kid’s birthday party. If they don’t get a goody bag, they’re over it by the time they get to the car. But that only works if none are handed out. No parent is equipped to handle the fallout of turning down a goody bag. We need to be in this together. 

This goes for ALL goody bags, even those that have undergone a Pinterest makeover. They are pretty and personalized and color-coordinated, but they are still junk. Really, we could do with one less thing with which to make our kids’ lives magical and Instagram worthy. If you must give something, give a cookie. Everyone likes cookies.

So, spread the word. We, the parent, from this day forth, quit goody bags. We won’t feel guilty for sending kids home empty-handed but will feel empowered that we are done with that shit.